you are all of them
you are the shared cigarette on a friend’s balcony
you are the ear that holds the left side of my earphones
you are the anxious kiss as the elevator door closes
you are the text messages i wake and sleep to
you are the eyes that meet mine across the parking lot and don’t look away
you are the same hand that secretly reached out to hold mine
you’re who i think of the most, yet sometimes i forget that it’s you i’ve attached myself to
you are all of them
you are a simultaneous manifestation of my past and my future
sad to see you go
i have a fear and a feeling that we’re growing apart
and there’s nothing i can do because the cause is her. our opinions are just too different, and i know neither of us are going to change how we feel easily.
it’s beginning to drive our ideologies in different directions and i just want to be happy but i want to share it with you. i love this family, i believe in it, i trust it, and it makes me sad to know you feel differently.
but you’ve taken her side. and even if i wanted to, i can’t possibly take her side. do you realize how hard it is to be in a position where i feel obliged to defend someone who has, for whatever reason, targeted me as the subject of anger and cold shoulders?
i know that i can’t continue to allow her to be so big in my life. but i’m afraid that will mean that i have to let you go too. i don’t want to. i want to be able to be honest with you again. i want to tell you exactly how i’m feeling about what’s happening in my life, i want us to be there for each other the way we were last year. i want you to stop talking about her.
but i know you won’t. you love her too much. you love her more than me.
i’m being extremely selfish, i know. but the thought of losing you scares me. i’m already losing you. i feel as though i haven’t gotten the chance to explain my intentions, but i also feel like you don’t want to hear them. as long as it’s contrary to hers, it’s not worth your ears.
again, i know i’m being hurtful. but you should know how i am. you should know how hard it is for me to express myself, and how terrifying it is for me to feel alone, with no one to talk to.
you probably don’t care about my opinion. (i don’t think i can even talk to him about it.) all you see is this terrible injustice, and i know you want to talk to me about it, but i can’t even form a response. i can only say “it sucks”, “i wish things had turned out differently”, “i’m really sad”. i don’t hold the passionate care you have for her. honestly to feel that way about someone who has never been much of a constant friend to me would be masochistic.
and i hope you won’t ever try to tell me that such-and-such thing was my fault, or that i shouldn’t have done such-and-such thing. i’ve realized that i (or anyone) don’t have to apologize for the way i feel. nothing is anyone’s fault. despite that, i tried making amends last year and was received lukewarmly. it was difficult and the payoff was… not much. things will always be rocky between us if i’m the only one who wants to make things right. so, even though it sucks, i have to let it go. holding onto this kind of largely negative relationship isn’t doing me or her any favors. i hope you’ll try to understand.
and i hope that it’s possible that you won’t have to choose between us. but if it turns out that way, i know you’ll choose her. and i’m okay with that. i’ll be very sad. you’re the one i felt closest to. you’re one out of maybe four people that i feel like i can say anything to. i don’t think i can adequately explain how hard it is for me to open up to people, but i guess the amount of close friends i have can speak for that.
i’ll be sad, but i’ll be okay with it. it’s how you feel and you should follow it.
that being said, i’m going to tell you (indirectly) my opinion about this. i hope you can try to see things from my perspective, and i know most of what i say is only possible because of mine and hers jilted relationship. please know that too. it’s as much a result of my feelings as it is of hers.
i love the team. i think of it as my family, whilst acknowledging its core purpose as a competitive dance team. i think it’s fair to say that being a part of it is not a right, but a privilege.
dance is what connects us. dance is at the heart of each relationship built in the team. the reason the team is as strong as it is, both last year and this year, is because the team grows as dancers together. the people that grow the most are the most committed ones, the most proactive ones, the ones whose priorities and bodies are aligned with that of the team.
this commitment, these priorities, carry over even after the season. rather than talk about her, i’ll talk about me. after the season, i had a strong motivation to become a better dancer. i wanted to deserve to be on the team, and this desire has never wavered. i had a determined mindset that allowed me to use my time to progress both in career and in dance, a feat that i previously thought impossible. i’m not here to brag. i’m not here for anyone to point out any circumstances that might have made it ‘easy’ for me or ‘hard’ for someone else. but i know in my heart when i deserve something. and i think at a certain point, despite whatever circumstance someone is in, you can’t just keep giving them things.
that was a very harsh way to put it, and i hope you know i’m struggling to find a way to explain this with the clarity that i see it. (and without any malice) i’m a very strong believer that there are no excuses, that i must take responsibility for whatever happens to me, that the only person i can ever blame is myself. so as much as i try to put myself in her shoes, i can’t do it. i can’t imagine it happening to me because i put the work in. actually, i can see it happening to me but the main thing i would think is that i didn’t work hard enough. i wasn’t good enough for the team and that’s on me. it wasn’t meant to be and my life is taking a different turn.
everything happens for a reason.
i’m not saying this in a fate/destiny/leave-your-life-to-the-universe kind of way. but nothing good comes from being sour about the situations life puts you in. it’s up to you to interpret the things that happen to you as clues of where your life is headed. maybe i can only say this because huge misfortune hasn’t really happened to me, or at least in my opinion. but i think that whether or not you believe in this, the world moves on anyway.
the team moves on anyway. from the first workshops, i could already see that the team was moving in a competitive direction, more competitive than i could see her coping with. i was scared for my own position. i kept worrying if i’d trained enough, if i’d grown enough, if i was good enough for the new standards i saw forming.
i knew i wanted to be on the team. it’s a constant drive for me. but for her, such things wavered. again, forgive my harshness, but you can’t jump into a competitive mindset a week before auditions and expect to do very well. i’m not saying she didn’t want it. i know she did. i know she realized how much it meant to her, but it was a little too late. a little too late to make up for lack of training, for past excuses (legitimate as they were), for lukewarm commitment.
of course, i’m not her, so i can’t say any of this with certainty, but when you say she deserves it more than newbies, i can’t agree. that kind of statement hurts me. i’ll admit that i was skeptical of some of our newbies. but i’ve already seen more growth from them in these past four weeks than i can say i’ve seen from her. i watch everyone as dancers. i do. especially when i’ve danced with people on other things before, i watch them to see what they do with this opportunity.
that’s what being on the team is: an opportunity. it’s not a given. you may think i’m being cold hearted, but if the team were to allow anyone back on, it’d lose some of the competitive aspect. and that’s one of the things i really love about the team. especially this year, from most of everyone on the team, returners and newbies combined, i can see the hunger in their eyes. i can feel the drive to grow stronger together when we learn or clean or go until 4 am. they know they deserve to be there, but that they have to work to continue to deserve it.
despite having these opinions, i was prepared to try to support her. but when i made an attempt, for whatever reason, she treated me coldly. i think that was the moment that i realized i couldn’t continue this relationship anymore.
the things that happened with him are separate from this. i was just trying to take care of myself. i think i’m prepared to explain this to you but again, i feel as though you wouldn’t want to hear it. i already feel as though this post has made me an enemy of you.
please tell me i’m wrong.
save your anger, save your judging eyes
i’ve spent far too much time compromising my own happiness to tiptoe around others’ feelings.
and obviously the same hasn’t been done for me.
this isn’t retribution. i’m just tired of her being so big in my life when she doesn’t need to be. i know i’m using justifying the situation with my own neurosis but when there’s barely anyone there to back me up, i need to.
i’m not scared of opposition, and maybe for the first time. of course people will take her side. they always do. friendless and powerless, i was never able to say anything because she needs them, she deserves them, she deserves it all, and for whatever reason i’m never able to ask for help, never able to say how i feel with my mouth but only through my fingers on the keyboard. i’m an emotional cripple.
i say this with a hint of a chuckle as i realize it’s humorous. why do i lack so much in an area that seems basic?
maybe that’s why i’m drawn to you, oddly the person i can be the most honest with about my feelings. why do we do this to each other? share our feelings and then destroy them, again and again and we keep coming back. “i’ve always liked you” is what you said and maybe that’s true for me too. maybe i’ve always liked you, even when i hated you. maybe that’s why it makes sense for us to happen. maybe it’s a good idea. maybe it’s a mistake.
maybe it’s a mistake that we have to make.
it’s been a week of anxiety, self-doubt, sadness, but when our eyes meet it’s kind of okay. we’ve both been through a hell of a lot, we’re both complicated as fuck and our history is just about as entangled as it could be.
but i no longer think a relationship needs a clean slate. i don’t think that exists very much for anyone.
so even though it sucked to hear that you’re not completely over her, i’m looking past it. i’m in no place to criticize anyone for misplaced emotions… the source of many of my hangups are one and the same.
maybe together we’ll be able to find those misplaced feelings and direct them towards something better.
i’ll be a thorn in your side, ‘til you die
it must be a bit twisted to want something i’ve told myself i definitely can’t have and definitely don’t want.
i don’t understand it and it frustrates me. it frustrates me how i could overlook the enumerated list of reasons why this wouldn’t work. it frustrates me how i’ve somehow created a soft spot for you in my mind, despite the way you hurt me, despite the way we continue to hurt each other.
and i know it won’t work. i know you’re not who i end up with. it’s going to fall apart eventually. there’s no point in even being together.
what even constitutes a waste of my time? i’m beginning to deteriorate at my own standstill - simultaneously averse to the ideas of responsibility and accountability but inclined and in need of companionship.
i can’t deny that chemistry exists between us but timing screwed us over. things got in the way and now everything is so tangled it’s hard for me to think about it without getting really scared.
i’m just sad and lonely.
i think i just need to get laid.
i’ll always be on the outside looking in
social media insists we’re friends. you (and i) plead the contrary.
i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
i can’t please everyone. the least, and best, i can do is please myself.
i’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately and none of them really cohere enough for their own post, neither am i compelled to dwell in self inspection except for sanity-keeping reasons.
i’m bad at choosing, so my solution is just not to choose at all. and still i refuse to apologize for anything i do that might be misconstrued or any promises i might be breaking. maybe my logic is childish: if i went through it, you can too.
i’m not a bitch. i’m not fickle. i’m not a slut. i’m just someone who’s been hurt before. i’m quite aware of my irrational fears and my defense mechanisms; they exist for the sole reason of protecting me.
and i’m still waiting for that person. the one that will make me let my shields down and love me and challenge me and be there for me. i’m waiting for him so fervently that i end up searching for him in past involvements, in people i already know. but i know it’s useless. it’s silly. it has to be someone i haven’t met yet.
it has to be.
and yet, i want you to talk to me. why is that?
i just crave the attention. i crave the affirmation. i crave the self confidence that i’m so sure i have.
it sometimes astounds me how much i still react to things in the most basic, childish, sensitive way
and then frown upon it
makes me think that part of my maturity isn’t really dealing with my emotions
it’s just ignoring them
not you who haunts me
it’s the same dream on loop - the situations change, but you stay the same. i stay the same - weak, gullible, and frustrated, hurt by you.
i never got to ‘hand it to you’. i never got to tell you just how much i realized you mistreated me, and maybe that’s why you’re always there, in my subconscious, hurting me again and again just to remind me that i’m a fool. i’m a fool for putting up with it, a fool for believing that i was just as little as you made me, for standing by someone who daily caused me to feel alone.
i’ll never let anyone treat me that way again. and yes, i am bitter. i’m bitter for allowing you to talk down on me, on my friends, on my passion. i realized early on that you would never understand some parts of my life - why didn’t this cue me to end things before they got so, so painful? was i that scared, that afraid that no one would ever love me, that sure that i deserved to be looked down on, that stubborn thinking that you could change?
you won’t. shallow and hypocritical, you know nothing of love. you believed you cared about me but you only cared about what you wanted me to be, something i could never become. that’s not love, not even companionship, masturbatory at best. i was a vessel to you, a canvas to dump your ideals and expectations onto, a nuisance when i differed from the mold.
i always wondered why i always seemed at fault during our relationship, but it’s simply because you hated making sacrifices. you barely made any, and i know right away that you would contest this. but i can list the sacrifices i’ve made. i tried my best to be obedient and considerate, while you demanded accolades for so much as lifting a finger.
perhaps i exaggerate, but the point is, i didn’t deserve it. did you realize your behavior? is that why you avoid me, turn away from my eyes, try to fade into nonexistence?
you’re a coward. i dislike your character, but i hate you for still hurting me long after you’re gone.
but it’s partly my fault, isn’t it? i couldn’t tell you if i wanted the reason for this obsession, this gradually grown indignation.
i want you to leave, to get out of my head, but you’ve already left. so who is haunting me? who causes my heart to ball into a fist too tight from which to wring tears?
i know her too well.
i don’t care about relationships. i don’t want one. i’m not worried about people liking me or what people think of me.
but it’s also another way of saying i’m scared. i’m repulsed by the thought of a relationship because i’m scared of the emotions, the responsibility, the heartbreak. i don’t want people to tell me their secrets then leave me, taking everything save this purposeless information, for me to hold and remember solely as proof that anything ever happened. i don’t want to have anyone to impress or call home. i don’t want to rely on anyone or need anyone for anything.
because i’m scared. i’m scared of rejection, abandonment, pain, all the ‘bad things’ that come with the ‘insecurity’ umbrella.
so, my ideal is self sufficiency.
if i don’t depend on anyone, i can’t get hurt.
you’ve forgotten about me. and it’s not as if i was waiting to be remembered or that i wanted to be fawned over with no requisite, but in your own way you’ve broken my heart.
how could you say such heavy things to me and act like you wanted to understand me and pour what seemed like your heart out? are you saying the same things to the next one?
i suppose you deserve some benefit of the doubt, but i find it hard to believe in the genuineness of your words and your feelings. how are you any different from the rest of them who used me and then quietly wiped their hands?
in fact, you’re the worst of them all. you forced your way towards me, tried to pry my shell open with your hands. i saw your earnest efforts so i softened my securities. i fancied the idea of letting you take care of me, with great hesitation as i struggled with my own apathy.
i told you i didn’t want this; i told you to stop going after me and you did. but so quickly and easily - did you care at all?
being subject to this is the worst for me. i feel dirtier thinking about this than thinking about being used for sex. you took advantage of me. you took advantage of my feelings in the most unpredicted, shallow, backhanded way.
and i don’t think i can or will forgive you for that.